From The Beginning
When the earth was catless
There was solely darkness.
Beginning of life ho-hum,
Sheer glory of cats still to come.
The Creator struggled with an ill-disposed
Mankind chasing apples, plums,
With their intricate wiring, also despair,
While boys pulled many a girl’s hair.
But then He pulled out of His hat
A symphonic masterpiece, the cat.
Stars and planets spun with envy,
Light years away from that glorious day,
The universe looking pale,
Aware of wooly cats thriving,
Born in happy multitudes.
The earth became
Soft and purry.
Mankind wept of joy, there was love,
And soon cat food o’erflowed
In the flavours of creatures delicious:
Fish, beef, poultry and lamb.
The pyramids were built,
Carrying their eternal snooze,
A single human added
To compare better to good.
Now I say to you, forsooth,
Accept your humble part in life.
We are only human after all.
No short cuts in becoming wise.
So take the brush and rise!
Be brave and stand tall,
Before it heaves over all.
He Wanted Marble
Once there was a wealthy mouse.
He was living in a splendid house,
Could squeak in four languages,
Every time a magnificent sound.
One morning, having breakfast,
He decided to buy a car, the best.
The car sellers said buy from me;
My cars are better than all the rest.
He wanted the one with two doors.
It started with an almighty roar.
O yes! he liked that sound a lot
And bought it cash of course.
Now he teased the cats in their village,
Drove over their tales, pillaged houses
Till suddenly the engine stopped. O hell!
The cats surrounded the wealthy mouse.
That was his end. Mice kept an eye
on the cat who ate him with chopsticks and rice.
The next day four mice carried a turd
To its marble grave. How absurd!
You see them all over the place,
Cats behind dirty windows, or with lace.
As a nice and simple gesture
Some cats live with people in nature,
Waiting for scraps of food,
Enjoying every bit of this adventure.
After a while and a good look
They begin to write their book
For all the rich relatives sleeping,
Soon writing in their checkbooks.
Adventurers return by plane, first class,
Paw pushing a button for another glass.
Other cats will take their place.
Those who want to learn to chase
A mouse, with style, no aggression,
Certainly not a trace of affection.
Now it’s time to get a human being;
They are the only species with central heating.
Three Eggs In A Nest
Yes three eggs in a nest.
Nothing special you think, like the rest.
But one egg was somewhat different,
Looking more brilliant.
Inside a lot was going on, it was time
To leave the egg, to grow and shine.
Slowly cracks appeared,
The small mother bird cheered.
But then a kitty came out,
father had a burn out.
He was so angry and demanded
‘Is this mine or from strangers blood?’
She really did not know.
He packed his best Sunday feathers,
Called her ‘mean and low’
And something like ‘it’s time to go.’
If nests had doors he would have slammed it,
Then certainly called her a ‘half-wit!’
The kitten purred through it all,
Saw two siblings appear, very small.
He loved them so much he could eat them.
They were still blind and he coughed like ahem
And out of his throat a chunk of phlegm
Covering the closest little gem.
He tried to clean it in his mouth
But instead it slid all the way down.
The other one crawled, called, found
Kitties tongue not knowing North nor South.
It went sliding down the esophagus,
A bit like a ride on a bus I guess.
Mommy was cussin’ saying he was ‘Hell sent.’
Then over his furry knee she went.
She flew away and he found that jumping
Was faster than climbing to the ground.
There he was discovered, kept warm in napkins,
Devoured food six feet and one inch.
I Remember You
Away from the radio to the windowsill,
The curtains open, the garden a thrill.
Yes, what they sing is true and well meant,
‘This cat is a bird’s best friend.’
Once outside I will devour you, digest you across the land.
I will remember you as I push in the cat sand.
So not too much hesitation,
It gives me a terrible constipation.
Cats Are Cats
Cats are not like bats.
They don’t need those wings
Nor all the rest.
Bats exist to entertain
A warm, well nourished cat
Behind its windowpane
Where it never gets wet.
Cats have toys like spiders and flies,
Not lasting long once spotted
By the feline’s awakened eye.
They get pounced upon
On a carpet or messy lawn.
Then they chew them to heaven high!
Or dump them on the windowsill.
(Surely the little things have died
From an overactive autumn’s chill.)
The vacuum cleaner’s tune
Will carry them away,
From life’s betrayal
Into their dusty tomb.
Now let me not forget the Lords,
The Dukes and Duchesses
Sitting on benches in a pale morning sun!
Here they study cats till dawn,
Sadly aware of their human failing,
Trying to be as one.
They wear monocles, pince nez,
Saying ‘I say old boy, I say.’
And how do cats strut,
Their tales straight in the air?
The paws invisibly gloved.
It isn’t fair!
We are not second best but the worst,
Returning with a dented cat food tin.
We are the species cursed,
Don’t deserve to live in a cat’s dustbin.
Now let me end with this advice.
There is nothing a cat can’t do.
But what’s the use of a cat in a canoe
Somewhere on a river,
In a cat forsaken jungle,
Too dull for words,
As it can make us happy
With a majestic single purr?
Their names might be Luca,
Frikkie, Katja or Gizmo,
their story always the same:
a meal and brush too long ago!
Nine Point Nine
O, you cry me a river.
It must have been the liver
You gave me yesterday,
Today my powder room makes you shiver.
As it came out my other end,
with it a message I did sent,
That the cat sand needs refreshing,
Becoming a blessing to the land.
I know you enjoy this so much,
As much as the desire to touch
Because we both like to share;
So get going with that brush.
Being aware that cats are addictive,
That without them you cannot live,
Slowly you need more and more;
Turning an average day into magnificent.
There is nothing that your vets can do;
No matter how often I use the loo;
You have to cuddle and adore,
Wishing you had twenty hands, not two.
Perhaps you can take me for a drive,
Show me the human miserable life
Of those without the joy of cats,
Then the ecstasy of those having five.
Today is another day to try,
Make sure I am warm, well fed and dry.
I must say you are doing well
So I give you out of ten a nine point nine.
Now what would happen
When a cat’s nine life’s are spent
And we stand there, feeling insufficient?
It doesn’t matter how short or long,
Shown the back or only the tip off their tongue.
Dead they never stop asking for attention
Between our ears, lasting many years,
While other cats come and go and steer
Us into the forest of their fur and here
We discover the meaning of home,
A peek of where one day we will roam,
Seeing Ancient Cat on its golden cat throne.
My cat‘s great grand father had a plane,
A small one of course, but a plane all the same.
It was his way to attempt to catch birds,
Chasing the slower ones, the real nerds.
Then one day he was stopped in the sky
By speed cop parrot, it ‘s true, I don‘t lie.
‘How dare you stop me, I am a cat,
wearing a well polished leather flying cap.
This is a strange day, ‘ he thought, ‘things going askew,
Even up here in the heavenly blue:
A bird with a crooked beak showing red feathers
Trying to stop me with great pleasure!
I say! It is awfully hard to estimate my speed
So high in the sky, it is tricky indeed.
Now listen old boy,‘ he said with a slight purr,
‘It is so easy to speed, so easy to err.
Why don ‘t you join me and I’ll show you
How difficult to estimate the speed, that it‘s true.‘
‘All right, ‘ speed cop parrot said, ‘let us go,
And also let me wear a leather cap, just for show.‘
He got on board and strapped himself in,
Held onto the seat and the propeller began to spin.
They went up and down, upside up, loop the loops,
Cop speed parrot puking over his shoes.
The feathers above the sturdy beak were grayish green.
Then the plane landed and he was nowhere to be seen.
They searched the plane, said it was the weirdest crap;
All they found was one red feather in his leather cap.
Cucumber Cat used to cut the crusts off the bread.
Then he discovered the cucumber. Now that was sad.
Daily he ate a cucumber, three hundred and sixty five the total sum.
They warned him, ‘one day out of your ears they will come. ‘
He was happy, holding, nibbling the cucumber,
Only now and then a short, necessary slumber.
He noticed it after a year, out of his ear
A small cucumber grew. O goodness. O dear.
It was about the size of a human nail, constantly growing
It became a heavy burden, making him feel frail.
How was he supposed to move from a to b,
Dragging something so heavy and for all to see?
For a while he was in his cucumber bed,
Thinking what he could do instead.
He bought himself a truck, selling door to door,
Becoming heavy and rich & looking more and more
Like a cucumber until there was no difference.
It was too late to turn back, like with Icarus.
Next day the impossible happened, he was taken away,fell into a sliced salad. Miscast. It happens to a stray.